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A Warm and Funny Holiday Guide for People Who Want Magic Without Losing Their Minds
Decorating a Christmas tree is part art, part science, and part wrestling match with tangled lights.
This guide gives you the exact order: Lights → Ribbon → Ornaments → Tinsel → Final Magic Touches.
Grab your cocoa. Let’s decorate.
STEP 1:
Start With Warm Lights — The Soul of the Tree
Lights always go first. Always. Even if Aunt Marge insists “ornaments should be the foundation.” No. Lights go first. Non-negotiable.
It’s Christmas law.
Wrap them from the bottom up, making sure your tree doesn't look like it's being held hostage by a giant glowing rope.
HINT: Test the lights before putting them on. Otherwise, you'll experience the emotional pain of decorating your tree twice.
STEP 2:
Add Ribbons Like You’re a Holiday Stylist
Ribbons create flow, elegance, and the subtle illusion you have your life together.
You can:
• Drape them vertically
• Spiral them around
• Weave them inside the branches like festive pasta
Just don’t overthink it — it’s ribbon, not a tax return.
STEP 3:
Time for Ornaments — The Tree's Personality Pieces
Now that the tree is lit and ribboned, give it character.
Start with BIG ornaments first — they’re like the backbone of your tree’s fashion lineup.
Then medium ornaments.
Then tiny ones that scream “I was on sale and adorable.”
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HINT:
- Heavy ornaments go on thick branches so they don’t plummet to their death.
- Sentimental ornaments go front and center.
- Weird ornaments go in the back (sorry, knitted potato Santa).
STEP 4:
Add Tinsel — The Tree’s Sparkle Filter
Tinsel is like glitter: magical when used correctly, chaotic when used like confetti from a parade float.
Think shimmer, not explosion.
- Light drapes for classiness
- Minimal clusters for sparkle
- Resist the urge to recreate a tinsel tornado
STEP 5:
Final Touches — The Crown, the Glow, the Drama
Now it’s time for the top-of-tree moment.
Choose a star, an angel, a bow, or an ornament shaped like a cat doing yoga. Go wild.
*Give the tree one final fluff.
*Turn on the lights.
*Step back like an artist evaluating their masterpiece.
*Whisper: “I did that.”
You’ve earned it!
